


The Good Side

by Findus26



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: 2009 Dan Howell, 2009 Era (Phandom), 2019 Era (Phandom), Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Break Up, Break Up Talk, Dan Howell's Girlfriend, F/M, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Or I guess Ex-Girlfriend, Post-Break Up, Spoiler?!, Video: Basically I'm Gay, mentioned - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-20
Updated: 2020-09-20
Packaged: 2021-03-07 02:49:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,228
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26379868
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Findus26/pseuds/Findus26
Summary: Loosely inspired by the song Good Side by Troye SivanChapter 1:2009 – His bedroom"He was hoping she’d break up with him. He didn’t even have the balls to do that much for her. Instead, he waited for her to move to college, like a coward, and then tried to use long-distance as an excuse as if they hadn’t been struggling before."Chapter 2:2019 - Their lounge"To see her reaching out now was strange, to say the least, but not unwelcome. He still remembers how he felt the first couple of weeks after breaking up with her. They'd grown up together and for the better part of two years, even with all the shitty stuff, she had been the one he would call first when anything interesting or upsetting happened in his life."
Relationships: Dan Howell/Original Female Character(s), Dan Howell/Phil Lester
Comments: 4
Kudos: 17





	1. I got the good side of things / Left you with both of the rings

**Author's Note:**

> Y'know, I wanted to distract myself from watching the news by writing some cute, nice fluff. Then this happened. So current world events are entirely to blame for this, I take no credit whatsoever. Thank you!
> 
> (First chapter can be read as a stand-alone if you're not here for the resolving of it all. Second chapter will be up either later today or tomorrow)

They both knew it wasn't his fault.

Not really, at least.

If he could have _chosen_ to love her, he would have.

Well, before he met Phil, at least.

He would have chosen her over and over again. Because she was pretty and funny and nice and she smelled good and she put Dan first, which wasn't a feeling he was used to, and she didn't care about all those nasty rumours about him. It's just part of life's sweet, sweet irony that, had she listened to them, he wouldn't be causing her all this pain now.

He knows he's causing pain and he hates himself for it. Because of course he's responsible. As much as he likes to tell himself that all of this isn't in his hands, deep down he knows it's at least partially his doing. It might be out of his realm of choices who he loves, but he most definitely _chose_ to treat her like crap. He did that on purpose. He was hoping she'd break up with him, because he didn't even have the balls to do that much for her. Tell her the truth. Instead, he waited for her to move to college, like a coward, and then tried to use long-distance as an excuse as if they hadn't been struggling before she even left.

"I love you," she says and Dan can't even look her in the eyes.

"I love you, too." He replies. And he means it. He really, really does.

"I know" she says and Dan finally forces himself to look up at her. She's giving him a small smile, the one that doesn't reach her pretty blue eyes. The kind that makes her look sadder instead of happier. 

"But you aren't _in_ love with me." She says it rather matter-of-factly, but Dan knows her well enough to hear her voice raise the smallest amount on those last syllables, almost turning the sentence into a question.

Her words hang in the air as Dan lets out a breath he didn't realize he was holding. He breathes in sharply before finally speaking the words that matter most. The ones he knows he has to say, but doesn't want to.

"No, I don't think I am."

He starts crying then and she, being the wonderful person that she is, just wraps her arms around him and lets him fall into her.

He feels comforted by her touch, because no matter what, she is still someone offering warmth during a time when he is in desperate need of it. He should be comforting her, though, so feels like shit about that, too. He tells her as much.

"It's okay, Dan. It's not like I didn't see it coming." She lets out a low chuckle and Dan feels goosebumps running down his back at the sound of it. "But I think you owe me the truth." She takes in a sharp breath. "I deserve the truth."

She raises her voice slightly, asserting her dominance in this conversation, and Dan is thankful for it. This isn't just a normal break-up talk. This is about explaining himself to her, explaining his behaviour. As much as he knows it's going to hurt both of them, she will need this information to heal. She deserves to know.

"This... It isn't about the long-distance" he manages to get out before his courage leaves him again.

She waits for him, but he can't get himself to say it. So after a minute or two of heavy silence, she is the one to rip the band-aid off. "No, this is about Phil."

It's not _only_ about Phil, Dan wants to correct. It feels unfair to drag him into this whole mess he's created. Then again, this isn't _not_ about him either. So he nods.

"Sort of, yes."

"Are you in love with him?"

Dan clears his throat. "It's sort of too early to tell." That's partially true. Dan knows he _shouldn't_ be in love with Phil. For all the obvious reasons, like the fact that they're both boys, the fact that he lives hundreds of miles away from him, the fact that they haven't even met yet. _Soon though,_ he thinks. The thought fills him with warmth and gives him the courage to elaborate. "But I think I could be, yes."

She says nothing. Which is still a lot better than what Dan expected. Or at least what he deserves. He would understand her screaming at him. For lying to her, for lying to himself, really. For leading her on, for falling in love with someone else while he was still with her. He would understand her running off, slamming the door shut behind her. He would understand her kicking and shouting and hitting him. She does none of those things. She just sits and says nothing.

When she does eventually speak up, the hurt in her voice is more apparent than ever before. Maybe it is because the question is more loaded than any previous one.

"Were you ever in love with me at all?"

Dan debates for a moment. He isn't sure if honesty is the best policy in this case, because this would be brutal. You don't just tell your girlfriend of over two years that you're not sure if you loved her. That's just... horrible. He doesn't want to lie, either. So he decides to be truthful, but not brutally honest.

"I think I was."

"You don't have to say that to make me feel better." She's quick to reply, but Dan realizes that he isn't. It's just the truth.

"I think... I thought if I could ever be in love with a girl, it would be you. Because you were my best friend and because you were... you are... like, so hot. Like, so incredibly attractive. And you're funny and you were always so nice and you didn't give a shit about what anybody said about me. I was in love with the idea of loving you, because if I loved you that meant that all those comments at school wouldn't hurt so much because I knew they weren't true. I thought if there's any girl I can make it work with, it would be you."

She chews on her bottom lip.

"Every single guy at this godforsaken hellscape of a school has been called gay. Just my luck that I fall for the one guy those rumours are actually true about." She sounds angry and Dan isn't sure if it's at herself of at Dan. Knowing her, it's probaby the former.

"I'm not...y'know..." _It's just a stupid word,_ he thinks, _why can't I just say it_

"Gay?" she completes for him.

"Yeah."

"Okay." There's doubt in her voice, clearly, but Dan appreciates her endlessly for not forcing him to continue the conversation. There's not much to say, really.

___

They're stood in the hallway now. He's glad that his parents aren't home to witness this, although he already knows telling them is going to be a whole shitshow of it's own.

They'd cried some more, talked a little bit and held each other until eventually, she said that it was time for her to leave. It was unspoken that she wouldn't be back anytime soon.

"Do you think we can be friends again? At some point?" His voice comes out broken, strained from all the crying. 

She turns around from where she is stood in the doorframe and shoots another sad smile at him.

"I really hope so" she says and Dan burries his hands a little deeper in his jeans pockets.

"But if we can't..." she adds, looking at him directly now, "I just want you to know that... I hope you're happy.

Wherever you end up, whoever you end up with. I hope you will find happiness and the courage to be yourself.

People will love the real you if you just give them the chance to know you.

I know it.

I know I do."

With that, she leaves the house, softly closing the door behind her.

Dan starts crying again.

\---

It takes him a while to make his way up the stairs to his bedroom again. He must've sat in the doorframe for at least 20 minutes, just bawling his eyes out, broken sobs escaping from his mouth and his knees too weak to carry him back up to the comfort of his own room.

Now that he's finally made it, he is calming down a little bit. He finds himself wondering if he really should be this upset about a break-up. If that meant that he did, infact, love her. That maybe it was a mistake to break up with her. He pushes that thought to the side quickly, he knows it's just his brain being self-destructive and stupid.

Dan thinks about how people always say that there's a winner and a loser in every break-up. That one person gets the good side of things, while the other has to deal with being broken up with. Dan thinks those people are stupid and probably haven't been in a relationship, like, ever. This isn't a 'win' for Dan. He knows he should be happy. Happy to finally be free of a relationship he didn't want. Free to experiment with his sexuality. (Although he isn't so sure if you can still call it experimentig when you know exactly who you want to experiment with and when you have a pretty good idea of what the result of that experiment would be.)

He knows he needs to call Phil. Dan had warned him he might need someone to talk to tonight and though Phil didn't inquire any further, Dan saw the questioning look in his eyes, even through the grainy webcam. Dan checks his phone and, sure enough, there are two unread messages from Phil.

**Phil 18:51**

home now so call whenever

**Phil 19:03**

<3

Maybe, in a way, Dan did win.

He knows that she's on her way home now and, although she has many friends (she's always been the social one of the pair, mostly dragging Dan along to her group's outings), he isn't exactly sure if she has anyone like Phil. Someone she can talk to about everything and nothing. Someone that just listens, not to reply, but to hear.

Then again, he knows that their break-up doesn't forcer _her_ to suddenly deal with internalized feelings of self-hatred, the fear of rejection and the growing feelings for a man half-way across the country, sooo.... potayto, potahto.

He opens his laptop and logs onto skype.


	2. I'll say I'm proud of all that you've done / You taught me the ropes and you taught me to love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: mention(s) of suicide, not detailed, in reference to Dan telling his story in BIG

**To: Daniel Howell (me)**

**Subject: Basically, I'm happy for you**

_Hey Dan,_

_I actually debated for quite a while whether or not to send you this at all. If it's too weird, feel free to ignore my message. I really how you won't, though._

_I watched your last video._

_I mean, I've checked in on you over the years (thanks for putting your life out there on the internet, makes it quite easy to keep up lol) and when I saw your name pop up on Twitter...And with that title... I mean, how could I not?_

_There are a lot of things I want to say to you, Dan, many more than I could express in an email. The most important thing, though, is: I am so proud so you! So, so incredibly proud and, perhaps even more importantly, I am so happy for you. I know being yourself and being comfortable with that person hasn't always been easy for you and to see you finally acknowledge a part of yourself that has caused you so much pain over the years is inspiring._

_Also, as someone who deals with suicidal teenagers quite regularly (I work in a youth clinic), I want you to know that I am very happy you're still here to tell your story. And it seems that you are, too, which is even better. I just thought it'd be important for you to know that._

_Other than that, I just wanted to use the fact that I currently see your face whenever I log onto any social media - thanks for that - as a chance to let you know that I hope you're doing well. Whatever you are doing right now, I hope it brings you joy and I hope that you can embrace all the colours of your beautiful self more freely now._

_Sending you only the best of wishes from Nottingham to London!_

"Phiiiiiiil?"

Phil pops his head through the door leading from their living room to the kitchen.

"I got an email."

Phil seems confused. "Wait, from your family? I thought everyone had replied days ago?"

Dan shakes his head. "It's not family. It's... my ex-girlfriend wrote me an email."

"Huh" is all Phil manages to say, his head slightly tilting in a questioning manner. Dan couldn't agree more.

"I guess my email adress is still the same from all those years ago and she just wanted to... reach out."

Dan had expected a lot of things to come out (haha) of posting that video the other day. This surely hadn't been one of them.

After that day back in late September of 2009, he hadn't heard from her again. He figured that, in the end, maybe they couldn't stay friends.  
Maybe she was just too hurt by him.  
Too disgusted by having been with a guy who's into other guys. He didn't think that particular one as much these days, which is just another testament to how far he really has come.

He didn't want to push her, too scared of being rejected. Also, he had fallen head over heels for a certain black-haired emodude. So, as the years went by, he thought about her less. It's natural, he thinks, he had moved on with his life and, he thought, so had she. The fact that he'd spent a long time trying to block out most of what his life was like growing up probably didn't help either.

To see her reaching out now was strange, to say the least, but not unwelcome. He still remember how he felt the first couple of weeks after breaking up with her. They'd grown up together and for the better part of two years, even with all the shitty stuff, she had been the one he would call first when anything interesting or upsetting happened in his life.

That was, of course, until Phil came into his life. 

From then on, it was Phil who he would call first.

Still, to this day, now more than ever, Phil is the person he shares things with. Secrets. Feelings. On rare occasions toothbrushes, but they don't tell anyone about that because honestly, ew.

"Are you still here with me?"

Phil's voice shakes him back into the present.

"Yeah, sorry. Just... thinking."

"What did she write? Do I need to find out where she lives and fight her?" Phil pulls his hands up in front of his face, curling them into fists like their personal trainer had taught them during their attempt at boxing lessons.

Dan would almost find it intimidating, if it weren't for the fact that Phil is still holding their Calcifer spatula in his right fist and currently has an apron depicting a tan bodybuilder in speedos wrapped tightly around his body.

So instead of fear, it is laughter that Dan is shaken with when he replies.

"No, you don't. It's a really nice message, actually."

Phil lowers his hands again. "Good, 'cause I'm not sure if I could actually fight anybody, to be honest with you."

Dan pretends to be shocked.

As he reads over her words again, Dan hears other words echoing in his head that he's thought about every so often of the last decade. He can't quite remember her voice, it's simply been too long now, but what she said is still present in an almost absurdly accurate manner.

_Wherever you end up, whoever you end up with. I hope you will find happiness and the courage to be yourself. People will love the real you if you just give them the chance to know you._

He moves the cursor on his screen to the reply button.

He responds, saying that he's taken courage in part from what she said all those years ago. That he hopes she's happy, too. He asks her about her life, apparently her psychology degree worked out for her? He tells her about his life. One emails turns into two, three, many more and he gets to know this new person, who still looks like the girl he knew all those years ago in her profile picture.

He learns that she is married now. Someone at uni. They met only a few weeks after their break-up, apparently, at a party her friends dragged her to because they were tired of hearing her mope about Dan. She had told him she wasn't ready to date and he said that he'd wait for her and he did. They got married three years ago and had their son shortly after.

Dan tells her about his life, too. About all the parts of his career that she could know or at least find out about, if she wanted to, and about some of the other things. Things that he didn't really share online, at least not yet. He tells her about Phil and about Norman. About the house they're currently in the process of buying and how the garden is perfect for kids or a dog or both. He tells her about the ring on his finger and about how all of that came to be.

She tells him about her work as a psychologist. How she works primarily with young people and about how she feels like this is what she was always meant to do. Help others. Dan agrees, she always seemed like that type. Hell, she'd helped him more times than he could count. She tells him about how she's planning to write a self-help book of sorts, especially for young people dealing with mental health issues. Something she would have liked to have growing up.

Dan tells her about the projects he's been working on. About his idea to start his own clothing line. About the film script he and Phil were currently writing together. About the book he has started writing recently. A self-help book of sorts, something he would have liked to have growing up. And, in a spur-the-moment kind-of thing, he invites her to come to London with her family.

She accepts.

In the end, they both got the Good Side, Dan thinks.

His head is still spinning with seeing her again, meeting her husband and her kid. The fact that she met Phil and they got along great. The vague idea of a possible, work-related collaboration between her and Dan in the near future.

Maybe, he thinks, there are those break-ups where one person wins and the other loses. Maybe, there's even those sad cases where there's just losers all-around. And maybe, he thinks, holding on to Phil's hand as they wave her, her husband and their son goodbye at the train station, maybe they just got very lucky.

He smiles at Phil and squeezes his hand a little tighter.

Yeah, they're definitely lucky.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading, let me know your thoughts :)


End file.
